


Five Hundred Orange Kittens And A Necromancer

by draconicsockpuppet



Category: Dwarf Fortress
Genre: Canon-Typical Crack, Canon-Typical Violence, Gen, Just Add Kittens, Necromancy
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-10-08
Updated: 2019-10-08
Packaged: 2020-12-02 00:04:13
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 536
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20942984
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/draconicsockpuppet/pseuds/draconicsockpuppet
Summary: "One of these days, I'm going to move to a nice peaceful fortress that doesn't have a tower next door." Thob sighed wistfully. "I hear Heatherridge has unicorns. Doesn't that sound great?"





	Five Hundred Orange Kittens And A Necromancer

**Author's Note:**

  * For [tuesday](https://archiveofourown.org/users/tuesday/gifts).

The gates of Coppercloister shuddered open, and a horde of zombies shambled past, with a single creature in a robe ambling along behind them: their leader.

"Remember the plan," Berim Louseslayer whispered.

"Your plans suck," Thob Limpyawn whispered back.

"This one doesn't." Berim peered down through the murderhole into the long twisting tunnel that served as Coppercloister's most dangerous defense. "Now!"

Thob pulled the lever, and five hundred kittens rushed into the tunnel from their cages set along the wall. Dedros Spitetalon, famed for the destruction of The Zenith of Ales seventy years ago, fell back, though his zombies continued on, wading through the kittens.

But the little cats knew their target and didn't waste time trying to take out the trash. Berim watched in awe as they covered the emaciated dwarf in a wave of orange fluff, a single scrawny arm sticking up out of the mass, fist clenching twice, and then falling away.

The zombies slowly trudging down the tunnel came to a halt.

"You know we're fucked if any of them can climb," Thob whispered.

"The kittens will do their job." Berim watched as the little creatures started to move off the necromancer's motionless body; unconscious, as expected. "_Did_ do their job."

"Yeah, yeah, just because it worked this time." Thob pulled a different lever. Down in the depths of the mountain, bells clamored; Berim could hear their faint jangling through the air supply pipes.

"This is the third necromancer we've defeated this way in the last year." Berim tilted her head. "One of these days, you're going to admit I'm right."

"One of these days, I'm going to move to a nice peaceful fortress that doesn't have a tower next door." Thob sighed wistfully. "I hear Heatherridge has unicorns. Doesn't that sound great?"

Berim had been to Heatherridge; she'd take the necromancers any day. She pasted on a smile. "You should definitely do that."

Thob nodded.

Down below, a squad of dwarven soldiers in full steel plate waddled through the mass of kittens to the necromancer. One raised an axe, and _thump_, Dedros Spitetalon's head rolled free. Behind the soldiers came the rest of the dwarves of Coppercloister to manage the plethora of kittens. As the soldiers disposed of the dead bodies, the civilians slowly locked the kittens back in their cages one by one, until only two dwarves and two kittens remained. And then there were none. Coppercloister's defense corridor awaited its next test.

"Another beautiful day," Berim said. Footsteps sounded above them, and someone unlocked the hatch above, the only exit from the observation room. All clear.

"Someday, they'll get to the weapon traps," Thob said. "Someday."

"Want to bet?" Berim wiggled her eyebrows.

Thob backed away and made his escape.

"Coward," Berim whispered. She followed him out, though, and went down to the corpse pile to rifle through the dead necromancer's pockets. As she'd hoped, she found a scroll to take back to her little room full of cats and the secrets of life and death. One of these days she'd figure out the key piece of information she was missing, and then … well. There was a tower waiting to be conquered with kittens and zombies, right next door.

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks to Demitas for beta reading.


End file.
